I have written this poem, which seems to have a song like quality to it (or is it just me?) for Laura M Bailey’s Manic Monday Challenge:
https://alltheshoesiwear.wordpress.com/2019/02/11/manic-mondays-3-way-prompt-roads/
I arrive at life’s junction
I feel aimless, without function.
The roads lead off before me
Into futures, I cannot see.
So dark the path behind me,
I will not let my past bind me,
Into life’s adventure, I leap,
Trusting that I will find me.
My old infatuation
Brought no satisfaction
No reason, no reaction,
To my situation.
So, onwards I start walking
down roads without markings
Ever hopeful, without knowing,
If the path I take will break me,
Or hope, forsake me,
Take me forwards.
Of all the roads before me,
Only one road is the wrong one,
The one I must be the strong one,
To avoid.
In the dark storm of life,
All the other roads lead me through,
The Wrong road, is the one road,
That leads me back to you.
Copyright: Kristian Fogarty 11/February/2019
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/02/11/your-daily-word-prompt-infatuation-february-11-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/02/11/trust/
Nicely done, Kristian! Nope, it’s not just you, it definitely has some rhythm to it. But with some thoughtful revisions, you can make it even more musical. Let me know if you want some suggestions.
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Thanks, Denny. I was thinking of adding some repeating lines. I’d like to hear some suggestions. 🙂
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Bravo!!! 🤗
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Thank you, Beckie 🙂
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Oh this is just beautiful!💕
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Thanks, Laura 🙂 I always enjoy your challenges. 🙂
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Wow!This is great. Definitely has song qualities in ut😀
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Thank you. 🙂 I shall try and write a melody.. 🙂
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You should definitely🙂
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Very nice 👍
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Thank you. 🙂
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Pleasure 👍
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Now keep in mind, Kristian, I think you’ve written a perfectly lovely poem. But if we were workshopping it, what follows is the constructive criticism I’d offer in love and friendship:
At life’s latest junction,
aimless, sans function,
blind to my past though I
won’t let it bind me.
I thrust into the next
adventure, trust at last
that’s where I’ll find me.
OR:
At life’s latest junction,
aimless, sans function,
blind to my past though I
refuse to be bound.
I thrust into the next
adventure, trust that’s
where at last I’ll be found.
Keep in mind that poetry demands compression. Notice the reduced number of words & lines while preserving your original meaning as well as a rhythmic/musical flow on both proposed revisions. Your original 1st verse contains 60 syllables in 46 words & 8 lines. Revision 1 contains 39 syllables in 32 words & 7 lines, while revision 2 contains 39 syllables in 31 words & 7 lines.
Just one writer’s poor advice, feel free to pitch into the dustbin!
Happy writing,
Denny
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Thanks Denny. I appreciate your advice, which I accept in the spirit of friendship.
I’m not sure I could use the term ‘sans’ I know it means without, but I wouldn’t ever say it, I have to be true to my voice.
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Amen to that, Kristian!
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