The Ballad of Ted and Flo – A Raunchier Genre Challenge

broken heart love sad
Photo by burak kostak on Pexels.com

This poem was written for the Genre Challenge:

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2019/04/05/genre-writing-challenge-april-5/

Today’s genre and image:

Spicy: a romance in which married characters work to resolve their problems.

 

I have also included the following Word Prompts:

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/04/05/collar/

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/04/05/your-daily-word-prompt-plenty-april-5-2019/

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/04/05/your-daily-word-prompt-flurry-april-4-2019/

FOWC with Fandango — Condone

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/04/05/rdp-friday-laundry/

 

The Ballad of Ted and Flo

Florence and Ted

Were happily wed

But something had gone off the boil

So, one day they decided

And to me, confided

to start rubbing each other in oil.

 

Now I don’t usually condone,

This new raunchier tone,

But there’s a lesson to be learned in all this.

For while there is fun and surprises

In wearing disguises

It doesn’t always end in connubial bliss.

 

Flo told me then

It had all gone wrong when

Ted had suggested they try some role-play

She played a laundress

But it caused much distress

Doing nothing but laundry day after day.

 

Then apparently Ted

Suggestively said

That Flo fitted him with a tight collar

This caused a flurry

And Flo had to hurry

When Ted turned bright red and started to Holler.

 

Now there’s plenty to be said

For trying fun in bed,

But be sure you choose the right way

For Ted and poor Flo

This just wasn’t so

And Flo moved in with me yesterday.

 

Copyright: Kristian Fogarty 05/April/2019

 

I hope you enjoyed this light-hearted poem. 🙂

Scene Cuts – A Comedy Selection.

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I have been tagged by my Pal, Beckie of Beckie’s Mental Mess, to take part in this fun challenge, click on the link to see her post:

Scene Cuts ~ Comedy

Rory, A Guy Called Bloke, created this game, so I’d like to thank Beckie for tagging me and Rory for creating it. 🙂

 

Pilot

Scene Cuts created by A Guy Called Bloke and K9 Doodlepip!

Once a week, l will pick a Film Genre, post three film clips and tag three readers who in turn will post three film clips on the chosen film genre and tag 3 of their own readers.

Guidelines: Scene Cuts!

Thank the Selector 

Select three film clips

Select 3 readers to take part in Scene Cuts

 

So, the Genre is Comedy and as many of you will know, I have a love for old films, so my first clip is from an old British comedy, called Blithe Spirit, based on a play by Noel Coward.

 

For my second choice is another British institution, the Carry On films, and a clip from one of my favourites, Carry On Cleo, which was a parody of Cleopatra.

 

And finally, the Steve Martin film, The Man with Two Brains.

 

I hope you enjoyed those clips. 🙂

Behold the Dragon! – A poem

See the flow of smoke that rises,

rises up from down below

See the ash and hear the bellowing

as the crashing begins to grow.

See the wall of flames that flicker,

a firewall all red a-glow.

Behold the Dragon has awakened

from its sleepy slumberland grotto.

And with fear, I stand a trembling

no greater terror that I could know,

then the Dragon, huge and scary,

smiles at me and says “Hello.

After all my fear and worrying,

he seems a friendly, fine fellow.

So, don’t judge a Dragon by its appearance,

that’s the moral and the motto.

 

Copyright: Kristian Fogarty 08/July/2019

 

The Word of the Day is Dragon.

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/07/08/dragon/

I’ve also included these word prompts:

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/07/08/your-daily-word-prompt-behold-july-8-2019/

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/07/08/rdp-monday-flow/

FOWC with Fandango — Firewall

 

 

 

 

 

Comedy of Life – A lyrical Poem.

man person red white
Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

 

When Life is getting too dark and deep,

and it seems there’s no reason, no rule.

Remember life is just one big joke,

we’re the audience and you’re the fool.

 

So laugh at the world

it’s crazy, it’s true

just fall about laughing, 

then pick yourself up

and begin anew.

 

When it seems nothing is going right,

and everything is getting you down,

remember life is a comedy

laugh anyway, because you’re the clown.

 

So Laugh at the world,

it’s crazy, it’s true

fall about laughing,

only laughter will see you through. 

 

This poem was written in response to the following word prompts:

FOWC with Fandango — Anyway

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/05/06/your-daily-word-prompt-comedy-may-6-2019/

 

 

A Pantomime Joke

grayscale photo of laughing old man
Photo by Flickr on Pexels.com

 

“I say, I say, I say”

Said the man on the stage. In typical pantomime fashion, he was dressed as a washerwoman, with bright pink and white striped voluminous dresses with a spotted purple apron. He was also expecting the audience to participate.

“What?” The audience shouted back.

“What happened when the scientists tried to copy a Hurricane?”

The Pantomime Dame asked.

Again, the audience shouted back.

“We don’t know. What did happen when the scientists tried to copy a Hurricane?”

The Dame winked his eye and responded.

“They got a Cyclone.”

The audience groaned and laughed in equal measure.

 

Copyright: Kristian Fogarty 12/April/2019

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/04/12/copy/#like-1199

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/04/12/rdp-friday-cyclone/

FOWC with Fandango — Pantomime

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/04/12/your-daily-word-prompt-participate-april-12-2019/

 

Once upon a Crime…. a Challenge from Rory, A Guy Called Bloke.

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It was a cold and frosty morning when the telephone rang on Inspector Kristian’s desk.

He was just in the middle of dunking his chocolate hobnob in his tea, it was the crucial third dunk, the one where he would either place the gooey mess into his mouth, or the whole thing would disintegrate into the cup. Quickly he shoved the soggy biscuit into his mouth then reached for the phone.

“Yes?” He said, or would have had his mouth not been full of biscuit.

The person at the other end knew his little foibles and understood him anyway.

“It’s Officer Rory speaking Sir. There’s been a Murder. Can you come to the Lighthouse at Paula’s Point straight away?”

“Typical” Muttered the Inspector to himself “I was just looking forward to putting my feet up and reading another Agatha Christie novel.”

He picked up his large, leather Gladstone bag, filled with all the tricks of his trade and ran out of the door. The quicker he got this done, the quicker he could have afternoon tea.

On Arrival, Officer Rory greeted him at the entrance to the old Lighthouse.

“So, Officer, what do we have here then?”

“Well, Sir, we have the body of a Lady. She was found slumped in a large leather armchair. It was the Lighthouse keepers daughter. She was tending the lighthouse for her Mother, who is away on vacation. Someone called the police when the lights all went out.”

As he entered the building, the Inspector couldn’t help feeling a sense of Deja vu. He had done this all before.

The main room was decorated with flock wallpaper, a flowery patterned carpet and chintzy armchairs. In a leather armchair, by an empty fireplace, slumped the body of the murder victim. Next to her was a small table, on which there was a diary. There was also an old fashioned Tiffany lamp with a shade covered in multicoloured glass in the design of a dragonfly. On the floor was a crushed page from the diary.

At first, there did not appear to be any injuries on the body. No blood, no wounds of any kind. The inspector could smell something, though. Something that reminded him of bonfire night.

Suddenly it came to him and he jumped up exclaiming “Sparklers!”

Officer Rory in a calm and deadpan manner asked: “What was that, Sir?”

“Sparklers, my dear fellow. That is what I can smell. This lady has been electrocuted!”

As they took the body away, the Inspector picked up the piece of paper from the floor.

The date was that of the night before. On it was scrawled “We need to maintain secrecy at all times. No one need know. Dinner is served at 8pm”

The Diary itself gave no clues it had been a gift to the victim, in it was an inscription.

“Dear Sadje, You have a dream. Keep it Alive. Lots of Love. M.”

The Inspector sat down in one of the other chairs, with swirls of paisley and a gold coloured antimacassar, and had a think.

When he entered the building something had plucked at his brain, but what?

Officer Rory came in with a young lady wearing overalls and carrying a large bag.

“This is the electrician, Sir. She has come to fix the electrics so we can switch the light back on. Don’t want any ships crashing on the rocks, It’s dangerous waters around Paula’s Point. Have you finished sir?”

Inspector Kristian stood up. He recognised this young woman. She did several jobs around the town. He had last seen her singing her heart out in the local night club. He also recognised her perfume.

“Officer Rory, arrest that woman. She is the murderer!”

The woman tensed and dropped her bag. It fell to the floor with a loud bang. Several heavy tools fell out and rolled across the floor. She tried to run, but another officer stood by the door. She turned and exclaimed to the Inspector “But how did you know?”

“I recognised your perfume, my dear. It’s Poison, isn’t it? I smelt it that night when you sang at the karaoke bar and I smelt it again when I entered here. I knew you have done many jobs, but I didn’t know you were also an electrician. It would have taken an electrician to carefully remove the plug, electrocute the victim with the bare wires, then put the plug back on. You were clever, my dear, but you couldn’t fool Inspector Kristian.”

“But Sir, What was the Motive?” Officer Rory asked.

“I believe it was Blackmail. She was going to talk wasn’t she?” The Inspector replied, turning to Crushed Caramel, the electrician.

“Yes, I told her a secret about my friend, Tao, and she said she would talk if I didn’t give her £1000. I don’t have that kind of money. I knew that I could use the old Tiffany lamp to electrocute her. I thought I could get away with it, but you are too clever for me.”

With the Crime Solved, Inspector Kristian returned to the office and while typing up his report enjoyed an enormous scone smothered in cream and jam.

The End.

 

So, Hopefully, I haven’t missed anything or anyone. This story is a bit of light-hearted fun, written in response to this challenge set by A Guy Called Bloke, see the post here:

Once Upon A Blog Crime ……..

Who is the victim?

https://lifeafter50forwomen.com/

Who is the murderer?

https://crushedcaramel.wordpress.com/

Who is the location?

https://lightmotifs.wordpress.com/

Who is the murder weapon?

https://sparksfromacombustiblemind.com/

Who is the motive?

https://tao-talk.com/

 

I hope no one was offended by this story.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Haunted House – A comedy poem.

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This poem was inspired by this wonderful drawing by Kira of Kira’s Sunday Scribbles.

If you want to join in the challenge of writing something inspired by this great picture, click on this link below:

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/10/21/kiras-sunday-scribbles-13/

I have also included in my poem the following word prompts:

FOWC with Fandango — Drawer

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/10/22/your-daily-word-prompt-disguise-october-22-2018/

 

The Haunted House

 

As I walked into the place

I saw a strange face

On the mantlepiece wall

The eyes followed me around

And to my horror I found

A man standing there in the hall.

He wore a zombie disguise

And I hate those guys

So, I ran away up the stairs

With a chainsaw he chased

But I had him outpaced

And I hid and said a few prayers.

I pulled open a drawer

Then fell through the floor

And landed on a mattress below.

How the crowds laughed!

For it wasn’t witchcraft,

It was all part of a Halloween show.

 

Copyright: Kristian Fogarty 22/October/2018

Multiple Word Prompt Story – A Tight Deadline (A slightly rude comic tale)

This story was inspired by the following word prompts:

Word of the Day: Succinct.

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/07/31/succinct/

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/07/31/your-daily-word-prompt-confidant-july-31st-2018/

https://fivedotoh.com/2018/07/31/fowc-with-fandango-deadline/

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/07/31/rdp-61-pulse/

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2018/07/31/three-things-challenge-31-july-2018/

Today’s things are: meat loaf, soup, stealing

WARNING: This story is a little bit rude. 

A Tight Deadline

It was the strangest dinner party I had ever been to. The host and hostess were a particularly odd pair wearing matching aprons. I had only been invited along at the last-minute because Siobhan asked me to come with her. Why I said yes, I’ll never know. Infatuation will make you do crazy things.

Continue reading Multiple Word Prompt Story – A Tight Deadline (A slightly rude comic tale)

A little bit of Mirth – A Steve Layne Monologue

Back when I first started blogging in March I wrote my first monologue and created the character of Steve Layne. He is an actor with a flamboyant way of speaking. You get the impression that his life isn’t quite as good as the one his ego projects.

See here to read the first one:

https://talesfromthemindofkristian.wordpress.com/2018/03/12/a-captive-audience-a-monologue/

I then wrote another monologue with the same character in April.

https://talesfromthemindofkristian.wordpress.com/2018/04/17/after-the-play-a-steve-layne-monologue/

 

So here we see him once again, in his dressing room, getting ready for a performance.

Someone enters to find him staring off into space with a tear in his eye.

“Oh, hi there, I didn’t see you come in. You caught me unawares. Yes, I suppose I did look a bit melancholy.

I was just thinking about my life. It hasn’t been a bed of roses, that’s for sure, well maybe the thorns.

Would you be a dear and pass me one of those tissues?

Thanks love. There that’s better, I wouldn’t want my mascara to run. I could just hear the critics now ‘Steve Layne looks like a Panda on heat in his latest performance of Hamlet’. No, actually I’m not doing Hamlet, despite being in the mood for it. No, I’m in a comedy at the moment. It’s one I wrote myself actually. It’s called “A little bit of Mirth”. The main character is an actor who is struggling to find work and so reinvents himself as a stand-up comedian only to have a heart attack on stage, but the audience all think its part of the act and start laughing. No, it couldn’t happen to me, I’m as fit as a fiddle. I had a checkup just last week actually. Nothing wrong with my heart. They are a bit concerned about the skin lesions, but the theatrical make-up hides those, thank heavens.

I must say the reviews have been quite kind. One of them even spelt my name right. I’ve been called all sorts, you know. Stephen Lain, Steve Lean and even once Dave Conti, God knows why. So, it was nice they spelt it right. L.A.Y.N.E That’s right, with a Y and an E.

Oh, are you with a newspaper then? Oh, you write a blog, do you? You know, I thought I recognised you from somewhere. Yes, I was in the Pink Panther club last Thursday. Oh, that was you was it? Look, I’m sorry about that, I didn’t mean to run out and leave you with the Cab to pay for. It was your gold filling I accidentally swallowed, was it? Wild times, I do get a bit crazy when I’m on the Pernod.

Oh, thank you, Yes, I wouldn’t mind seeing you again next Thursday. It’s an Abba tribute night. That’s OK you can be Agnetha I prefer Anni-Frid anyway. Of course, you can see my Fernando anytime! Oh, you did. Well, I was very drunk, I can’t really remember.

Right, I must get ready for the show now. I have to say I am feeling in a much better mood now than I was earlier, all my Melancholy has turned to Mirth. Tell Ted out front that I said you could have a seat at the back, no love, It’s my way of saying thank you. It’s never busy anyway on Friday nights, I think there must be something good on Telly tonight.

Let me know what you think. Yes, I am quite happy for you to put a review on your blog. Only, be kind.”

The End

Copyright: Kristian Fogarty 20/July/2018

 

I have used the following word prompts:

Word of the Day: Mirth

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/07/20/mirth/

Fandango One Word Challenge: Melancholy

FOWC with Fandango — Melancholy

Ragtag Daily Prompt: Gold.

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/07/20/rdp-50-gold/

 

A Multi Word Prompt Story – A Longer Visit

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/07/12/your-daily-word-prompt-concomitant-july-12th-2018/comment-page-1/#comment-334

 

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2018/07/12/three-things-challenge-12-july-2018/

Today’s things are: tapestry, comedy, Big Apple

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/07/12/rdp-42-groove/#like-466

 

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/07/12/solace/

 

A Longer Visit

I went to visit my Mother in hospital. As a rule, I hate hospitals and try my best not to go there. I often send “Get Well Soon” cards or a bunch of flowers, if friends or relatives find themselves unlucky enough to end up in Hospital but I rarely visit.

My Mum, just like me, hated hospitals and I knew she’d expect me to visit and need me to distract her from where she was.

It was a relatively routine operation but I always worried about her. She had the appetite of a flea. I don’t mean that she bit people, well only when they deserved it, I mean she ate very little.

Her idea of breakfast was a yoghurt drink. Her idea of lunch was half a sandwich or a hamburger without the bun. Her idea of dinner was possibly the other half of the sandwich or just a Cup of tea.

Her frailty always made me worry.

Continue reading A Multi Word Prompt Story – A Longer Visit